Turning pro in less than 362 days!

Hopefully turning pro in less than six thousand three hundred and eighty nine days!

Monday, 31 January 2011

How to Write a Sitcom Part 2

To be honest, there’s going to be a lot of parts to this one. And I’ll say right now that I’m not going to tell you how to write one, as such, I’m just going to tell you how I’m going about writing my one then, if it makes it, you can use my template to write your own – who knows I may even commission you to write one of the episodes for season two! You’ve got to be nice though, and funny, and in to the same sorts of things that I am, because -

Write about what you know. This is a staple of any seminar given by those in the know – the scriptwriting illuminati – the seminoids, the inseminators, or deseminators, I think that should be. The people that give talks all over the country. The people that know everything there is to know about writing for TV and films, the inner secrets of Hollywood, but yet don’t seem to know that nobody has worn green corduroy for over fifty tears.

If Dr. Frankenstein were alive today and, instead of trying to create life, was trying to create socially uncomfortable, genetically weak hangers on, trying vicariously to assume a position of authority after failing to achieve their primary goal of being a fulltime scriptwriter, then these guys would be straight off the conveyor belt. For all I know he may well be doing that. And you better listen to me, because I know about this shit –I’m one of these people. I’m 99% nailed on to become a script guru – I have flat feet, a haircut from circa 1969-84 and a relentless monotone.

These micro-industries do fascinate me, I’ve got to say. Religion is another one, although there’s probably a bit more money in that. But if you look at anyone in a position of power in any dogmatic religion he will be a runt. Feel free to change that r for a c. If people really are expected to believe in an almighty God then why the hell spread the word through a human box of spanners. I’ve never seen such blatant advertisement of human inbreeding and the proliferation of weak genetic code as I saw the day the Catholic church had a march through my home town. No wonder they’re against evolution – they have absolutely no role to play in competitive natural selection. And why do they all have such flat arses? Were they taught that every time they have a sexual thought they must clench their anus, and over the years that has literally dragged their buttocks into their bodies? Would an x-ray of a priest show that 90% of their buttocks were now stored internally, like some monstrous fleshy iceberg?

We may never know, although someone should attempt to find out. Anyway, that’s enough, still haven’t got round to telling you about my ideas, will do that next time.


Wednesday, 19 January 2011

How to write a sitcom

Hmm, no followers yet. Guess I'll have to up my game. Anyone out there know anything about SEO? I remember reading about it once, think it was in a job advert I was going to go for, or something like that. Anyway, as I have no followers yet, I don't suppose I have anyone willing to help with that. What came first, the chicken or the egg? The chicken being Search Engine Optimisation and the egg being followers on this site. I like how I've got an egg theme running through these posts, I might have to keep that one going!

Anyway, back to my life,and what's going on. Well, I now only have 355 days to make it as a professional screenwriter - time flies when you're trying to save yourself from a life of mediocrity. I didn't mention before that I've recently been made redundant did I? Yeah, bad one that. Hurt more than when I fell over at this party a while ago and a bottle went right up my bumhole. Clean through my jeans, and pants, straight up my bum. No shit. Well, there was some, but that was later. It all happened so fast, and then so slow.

 I was at this party with some people I know, not friends exactly, but that sort of thing. Downstairs there were a couple of those cunts that you get at these events, that decide to do some drunk, shit version of Whose Line Is It Anyway? in the front room. It was so good and funny that I decided to go upstairs to see if anyone had any betablockers. I walked into someone's bedroom, didn't know anyone there but entered the arena as someone said the punchline to some joke or anecdote - can't remember what it was, but I do remember thinking he must be a student. I didn't really find it funny, but I felt awkward, and other people were laughing a lot, so I laughed too, whilst looking out the corner of my eye to make sure no-one was looking at me, and lost my balance. I was a bit drunk and fell back, straight on to this wine bottle. Immediately I felt unusual -I'd always been curious as to how it might feel to be penetrated that way, but wanted to make that decision myself, if you know what I mean. Anyway, quick as a flash I pulled it out of my bum and ran out of the room into their bathroom.

Immediately I realised there was still something up there, an elephant in the room. I was scared but didn't want to go to the hospital - that x-ray would be on the net in no time. It was bad enough when I had bad abdominal pains years ago and got rushed to A&E. Went for an x-ray - the nurse asked if I could pull my trousers down so as not to interfere with it. I thought she meant trousers and pants. Anyway, so I'm in a strangers bathroom, trying to keep my bumhole open with one hand whilst fishing a cork out with the other - only it wasn't a cork - it was a screw top! How the hell had I got the bottle out of my bum so quickly after falling on it? Don't get me wrong, I'm glad I did. To have had to run out of the room whilst unscrewing a wine bottle from my arse, maybe trying to deflect from it by doing jazz hands or whatever I could think of, would've been more than my fragile ego can take. Still, that mystery will live with me forever.

Anyway, that walk home, back to my grotty little flat, with a hole in my jeans and pants, having been violated by an inanimate object, is how it feels to be made redundant.

I was supposed to talk about how my sitcom is getting on, but I should leave that for another day now.


Wednesday, 12 January 2011

And out of the egg sprang...

Gartholomew's musings, or Gartholomusings for short!


Here it is then, the very first blog. The beginning of what I'm sure will be a great career for me, as a professional blogger and scriptwriter in general.

Made sure everything is looking pretty good. As you can see I made a fair bit of effort with the header, I think the ink blot is a really good idea. I actually stole the idea from a graphic designer who made a site for me years ago, when I was an aspirational novelist. Funny looking back at that.

As you can see I'm actually counting down the days themselves, the countdown to my professional career as a scriptwriter! I'm a bit disappointed that I couldn't post anything when the counter was on 365, but, as I've previously mentioned, the layout has taken me some time, and after that I had a bit of writer's block, so didn't know exactly what to write here.

Anyway, I've just found out on BBC's writersroom - get in there all you writing noobs, its great - that the BBC are running a sitcom competition - and the deadline is February 21st! I'm going to try to rope in my old mate Jimmy from work - well I say work - we were laid off together last September. I'm pretty sure he's still doing Jack, and he's a very funny guy. I'll report back with any ideas we have and how its going.


How's that for symmetry?