Turning pro in less than 362 days!

Hopefully turning pro in less than six thousand three hundred and eighty nine days!

Wednesday, 19 January 2011

How to write a sitcom

Hmm, no followers yet. Guess I'll have to up my game. Anyone out there know anything about SEO? I remember reading about it once, think it was in a job advert I was going to go for, or something like that. Anyway, as I have no followers yet, I don't suppose I have anyone willing to help with that. What came first, the chicken or the egg? The chicken being Search Engine Optimisation and the egg being followers on this site. I like how I've got an egg theme running through these posts, I might have to keep that one going!

Anyway, back to my life,and what's going on. Well, I now only have 355 days to make it as a professional screenwriter - time flies when you're trying to save yourself from a life of mediocrity. I didn't mention before that I've recently been made redundant did I? Yeah, bad one that. Hurt more than when I fell over at this party a while ago and a bottle went right up my bumhole. Clean through my jeans, and pants, straight up my bum. No shit. Well, there was some, but that was later. It all happened so fast, and then so slow.

 I was at this party with some people I know, not friends exactly, but that sort of thing. Downstairs there were a couple of those cunts that you get at these events, that decide to do some drunk, shit version of Whose Line Is It Anyway? in the front room. It was so good and funny that I decided to go upstairs to see if anyone had any betablockers. I walked into someone's bedroom, didn't know anyone there but entered the arena as someone said the punchline to some joke or anecdote - can't remember what it was, but I do remember thinking he must be a student. I didn't really find it funny, but I felt awkward, and other people were laughing a lot, so I laughed too, whilst looking out the corner of my eye to make sure no-one was looking at me, and lost my balance. I was a bit drunk and fell back, straight on to this wine bottle. Immediately I felt unusual -I'd always been curious as to how it might feel to be penetrated that way, but wanted to make that decision myself, if you know what I mean. Anyway, quick as a flash I pulled it out of my bum and ran out of the room into their bathroom.

Immediately I realised there was still something up there, an elephant in the room. I was scared but didn't want to go to the hospital - that x-ray would be on the net in no time. It was bad enough when I had bad abdominal pains years ago and got rushed to A&E. Went for an x-ray - the nurse asked if I could pull my trousers down so as not to interfere with it. I thought she meant trousers and pants. Anyway, so I'm in a strangers bathroom, trying to keep my bumhole open with one hand whilst fishing a cork out with the other - only it wasn't a cork - it was a screw top! How the hell had I got the bottle out of my bum so quickly after falling on it? Don't get me wrong, I'm glad I did. To have had to run out of the room whilst unscrewing a wine bottle from my arse, maybe trying to deflect from it by doing jazz hands or whatever I could think of, would've been more than my fragile ego can take. Still, that mystery will live with me forever.

Anyway, that walk home, back to my grotty little flat, with a hole in my jeans and pants, having been violated by an inanimate object, is how it feels to be made redundant.

I was supposed to talk about how my sitcom is getting on, but I should leave that for another day now.


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