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Friday, 22 April 2011

Movie Review - Rio

Genre: animation

Running Time: 96 minutes 23 seconds 

We’re all fucked. America is morally, intellectually and spiritually bankrupt and has decided to embark on a pernicious and mendacious attempt to warp the minds of children everywhere. I’ve a good mind to sue the country for pumping out this horseshit.

I should confess that I hadn’t gone to the cinema to see this – I wanted to see Thor, but it wasn’t out yet, and this was the only thing showing in the next five minutes. I hadn’t seen an animated film at the cinema since my dad developed epilepsy watching Watership Down in 1978, so I thought, fuck it, why not!
So, what’s it all about?

It’s about a blue parrot called Rio, and boy does he look like a total cleft. If you’ve seen ‘One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest’ and remember that guy in the asylum with the thin head and sloping down eyes then he looks like him, once he’s been asphyxiated and genetically grafted with the bloke from ‘The Hills Have Eyes’.
And he can’t fly. He’s domesticated so he don’t know how. He does however, know how to clean his teeth (what fucking teeth? he’s a parrot you bumholes), fill up a kettle, pop toast, draw the curtains, ride toy cars, type passwords into computer networks and get on my fucking manjugs. He is essentially the most punchable film character since Danny Dyer. 

Oh yeah, him and his owner, this dead eyed Minnesota woman with a head like an albino strawberry, have this little secret handshake that they do. It made we want to not only remove their heads but also those of everyone at the cinema. Don’t worry, I didn’t do it, although I did yell my frustrations at a small boy, who had to be taken home. The way I see it, I taught him more during those two horrendous seconds, than that movie ever could. About the REAL world.

And he’s voiced by the guy from ‘The Social Network’. Oh my God, a neurotic parrot voiced by a stereotypical Jewish man with a voice that sounds like his face has been sucking on a syrup flavoured cock until it’s nothing but dust. 

Anyway, it turns out that he’s the last of a species, so they fly him to Rio to mate with the last remaining female. Except she hates him. Even the very last of his species thinks he’s a pathetic little blue turd. It’s the quintessential parrot meets woman, woman loves parrot, parrot gets taken away, woman meets man, parrot meets parrot, parrot hates parrot, woman hates man temporarily, parrot grows to love parrot, woman grows to love man movie. Somewhere in the middle the two parrots get kidnapped again but escape to the top of a cliff. Only Blue, the bastard, still can’t fly. As he tries to conquer his fears and leap off the cliff he hilariously declares:

“Oh my, keep it simple, thrust, lift, drag, I can do it, I can do it, I can’t do it”.


And so it went on.

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