Welcome fellow scribes and Gartholomites!
Today we are going to test a little theory.
I remember ages ago, when I first thought about becoming a writer, a wise old owl (I don’t use that expression lightly, he did really look like one - with huge eyes framed by incredibly bushy eyebrows, and a small, pursed mouth, like a beak, fed by over-active salivary glands, resulting in two permanent reservoirs in the corners of his mouth, like eutrophic ox-box lakes of magniloquence, filtering out unfitting words like ‘nice’ and ‘good’) told me never to tell anyone about any idea I might have until it has been made or, at least, green lit. I didn’t listen and told him about an idea of mine for the rest of the bus journey - an idea, I might add, that has never yet seen the light of day. A coincidence?
Let’s put it to the test. I’m going to pitch four ideas to The Asylum – the production company behind such tours de force as Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus and Almighty Thor – but only mention two of them right now, in this very blog. Then we shall see which ones they liked, and whether they were the ones discussed herein. The other two ideas I haven’t mentioned to a soul, except my mum and someone that came round to enquire about my census form. So here goes.
That’s not its title, it’s one of the secret ones.
This is inspired by their predilection for stories about gigantic aquatic beasts. I’ve always been fascinated by pistol shrimps, and their incredible abilities. Check them out here. Then I thought, why not mix this in with the doom-laden apocalyptic visions that seem so hip right now? What’s bigger than 30 foot shrimps taking over the entire planet! Here’s the pitch.
Fact: In the Indian Ocean live the ultimate killers – Pistol Shrimps equipped with gigantic claws that release imploding fireball bubbles at the temperature of the sun, killing their prey instantly. Thankfully, the bastards are only four inches long.
Fiction: Imagine if a hijacked nuclear submarine crash landed into a Pistol Shrimp colony, spraying its glunk all over their nests. Imagine if the little bastards became big bastards, thirty feet long bastards. That’s right, we’d be fucked!
The Cat’s Pyjamas
see Idea One.
This one’s a bit leftfield and I’m not sure about this title – I might yet go for 'Eel Boy', ‘The River Man’, ‘Onanism and the Jungle’ or ‘Hero’. If you message me in the next 32 hours you may influence my decision. Also, I’ve named the main protagonist after a friend of mine, coz he has such a cool name – let’s hope he doesn’t mind! Here’s the pitch.
Jimmy Stroker is a real wild child. When his anthropologist parents died in the middle of the Amazonian jungle little Jimmy Stroker was left abandoned to the elements.
But brought up by a group of friendly river dolphins in a eutrophic ox-bow lake full of electric eels Jimmy became quite a man.
Fuelled by his wormy hosts discharges Jimmy grows up with the ability to harness electricity at will! The downside of this is that all that energy has to go somewhere, and jimmy develops a chronic masturbation and invertebrate molestation habit.
Desperate for human contact Jimmy locates a village deep in the jungle. Overcome by shyness, and unable to speak anything other than Dolphin, Jimmy takes to watching them from the bushes. His activities have not gone unobserved by the slightly fearful villagers, by whom he is given many monikers – among them ‘The Wanker in the Woods’, ‘Electric Juan’ and ‘Eel Boy’.
Things take an unexpected turn when the villagers are kidnapped by Western developers, keen for cheap labour on their deforestation programme.
Jimmy returns to find the village empty and goes ballistic. But using his incredible senses, notably his eyes, he deduces what happened and vows to hunt the perpetrators down.
When he exacts his revenge, with a series of well aimed lightning strikes and fireballs, he frees the villagers and returns to their home a hero.
All live happily ever after? Wrong.
The head of the Western developers, Dave von Davidson, survives the attack and goes home to the U.S. to tell them of this incredible wild man. Just as Jimmy looks set to finally consummate his earthly desires with the entire village it is attacked by an elite U.S. squadron and Jimmy is taken.
Drugged and groggy, Jimmy wakes up to find himself in Area 51. What is he going to do?
The only thing he knows – go mental! Spraying man fat and electric bolts with gay abandon Jimmy fights his way out of the compound, finally making his escape in an alien spacecraft.
Exhausted, and in his refractory period, Jimmy falls asleep, only to finally wake up on an alien planet – inhabited by river dolphins!
This nicely sets up a possible sequel –‘Return to Earth’, or ‘The Wanker’s Back’, something like that.
I’m pretty happy with them both, think they are strong and contemporary, as are the other two, so, here goes - wish me luck folks!
p.s. I’m going to pitch them tomorrow so if you have any comments make it today!