Turning pro in less than 362 days!

Hopefully turning pro in less than six thousand three hundred and eighty nine days!

Thursday, 21 July 2011

The Jonnie Marbles School of Shameless Self Promotion

Tired of being an anonymous cunt with less Twitter followers than Dean Gaffney?

Worry not, just subscribe to the Jonnie Marbles School of Shameless Self-Promotion and your future is assured. 

Just hijack the next mass publicised event with some madcap slapstick jinx and you’re sure to take the world by storm.

Just make sure that you have some material on the net to back you up and launch you into the big time.

For fucks sake don’t do anything whilst there may be some youtube video of you attempting to do stand up that’s as funny as having your face slowly sawn off, or a monologue of you spouting some horseshit that makes every single viewer look on you as an absolute cunt. 

This would completely invalidate everything that you have achieved.This is, of course, provided that what you did in the first place was something worthy of being invalidated. For fuck's sake don't do something lame and meaningless. And don't put yourself in a position where you could have the whole thing blow up in your face. If there is the chance that you could end up engaging in a possible confrontation with an octogenarian then make sure to power lift a water biscuit every day for a week beforehand, or you could end up looking like the cock of an impotent gnat.

Who is that guy that flung that bag of cowshit at the Queen? Don’t know – let’s see if Twitter knows. Yes, someone’s tracked him down – his name is Garth Jenkins. Wow – he could be cool, although his actions do suggest a bellend – let’s give him the benefit of the doubt and google him.
Wow, he has a couple of youtube clips – let’s watch them. 

Oh Christ no. Oh fuck. I really wanted to like him, but these are fucking awful. That’s the worst ‘comedic’ observation I’ve ever heard. And that delivery is shit. Why didn’t he make sure these were taken down before he flung all that excrement at our monarch? Maybe he thought they was good? Maybe he wasn't chucking shit at the queen to make a point about poverty diets and disenfranchisement, maybe he was just trying to get himself out there.

Jesus, he must be a right cunt.

That is definitely not going to happen with me, oh no - I'm planning ahead.

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