Whilst meandering on twitter recently, I think I may have uncovered a conspiracy every bit as heinous and pernicious as those responsible for the repeated recommissions of Miranda and Not Going Out.
It all started when I noticed that someone I was following, Andy Oxidents, @Health_Messiah, got a response from Charlie Brooker, one of the Holy Twinity. For those not familiar with Charlie Brooker, he is a brilliant British satirist, known in the twitterverse as The Ant Maker, for his ability to bestow a profound sense of insignificance onto strangers. If you get a response from him then you can puff out your chest and take the most self-righteous dump of your life. In any case, the response Andy got was quite something - as you can see, ringed in the pic below.
What’s wrong with that, I hear you say, he obviously deserves it. Yeah, except I know that the man is a total bellend. That’s why I was the only one following him. This is the sort of dogshit he normally comes up with.
So, what comment was it that made Charlie Brooker laugh out loud? It wasn’t difficult to track down. Here it is.
Apart from the obvious grammatical error (it’s instead of its) it rang a bell. I just couldn’t put my finger on it. What I was sure of though, is that it felt too pro and trendy, and not from the same head that thought up this:-
Absolutely no chance. So I dug a little deeper. I googled his name, see what I could find, and, to my amazement, discovered that his twitter account was now up for sale: -
Nearly two grand and it still had 6 days to go! That’s more than this.
OK, admittedly they made the disastrous and schoolboy error of spelling the word egg wrong, so it’s fallen through the net, as it were, but still – a tweet from Charlie Brooker is worth more than a Faberge Egg!
What the fuck! No wonder there’s so many cunts tweeting the guy all the time, those brown nosers are looking for a lol and a quick sale! Good luck to them, but for me, I’m starting to get suspicious, I think this goes deeper. I go back to the comment he made, that produced such an outlandish response from Mr Brooker.
Then it hit me like an erection on a commuter train. It reminded me of this recent twitter hit from Milton Jones, a British stand up.
It created mayhem. For several hours it brought down the grid here in Britain. Only the one Stephen Fry wrote about poppers stopped it from being the most retweeted tweet in history. Within just four days it had lead to a barrage of copycat tweets, a veritable flood of twitter surfers, riding the wave for potential followers. Here are a couple of notable examples.
The basic idea is the same in all these tweets.
Now, I’m not naming names, but what if some reasonably high profile comedians, maybe second tier ones, weren’t online when anonymous bods and nobodies were sending high quality tweets, way above their station, to high ranked celebrities? Tweets which would generate tens, maybe hundreds of followers? Would this imply that they could be ghost tweeting?
Could it be possible that these people are selling tweets to cunts like us so that we can then sell on our twitter accounts for a small fortune – presumably for a 51% cut of the profits?
Apparently, 96% of all tweets are written by less than 50 people. Does this mean that we have all become privy to one of the grossest acts of extortion this planet has ever seen?
Has twitter become nothing but a comedic cash cow? An opportunity for those bullied at school, perhaps suffering from atrophied genitals, or a name like Colin, to buy their way to a bigger dick?
Or maybe I’ve just made all this bloody shit up and wasted five minutes of your life, five minutes that you could’ve spent having the wank of your life.
Maybe so. But then, what the hell are all those black helicopters doing hovering above my flat? After all, I haven't even published this yet.