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Thursday, 22 September 2011

Movie Review – Rise of the Planet of the Apes


Movie Review –  Rise of the Planet of the Apes

Running Time – 105 minutes

Genre: Sci-Fi Mo-Fo

You know things are fucked up when you go to see a movie called Rise of the Planet of the Apes, and you find that you’re not even rooting for your own fucking species.

Such feelings are not assuaged when you watch the late showing at the Odeon on Brighton’s nightclub hotspot, West Street, only to emerge in the early hours to find yourself surrounded by beer soaked, self administered retards seemingly incapable of uttering even the limited vocabulary of a genetically modified ape. 

As I walked up the street I half expected them to start throwing their own shit around. They probably would if they could figure out how to undo their belts. Which is also why they were all walking around the gait of a chimpanzee, trying desperately to find a taxi before the turtle fully emerged from their backsides. I want to go back inside – I want to live on that Earth!

Anyway, that’s all by the by. The main thing is the movie is a bloody masterpiece. 

It’s one of those great story plots that grows and grows, like the ripples of a pond after some little brat has thrown a stone in, trying to hit a swan, from a small, but irreparable enterprise, to something that engulfs the entire planet. The classic snowball movie.

There’s very little dialogue, most of the meaning conveyed by the astonishingly detailed CGI. It still manages to present an incredibly damning and claustrophobic take on modern humanity. In this way, and many others, it is a fitting prequel. 

Oh, I should’ve mentioned the plot briefly by now. It’s about a well meaning scientist (yeah, really) who gives something to chimps that he hopes will work on those so he can try it on humans. It all makes sense when you watch it. But that’s enough of that, if you want a proper review go to a proper website, I’ve got two points to make, then I’m fucking off to digest the shit out of it all.

Firstly, it stars Tom Felton, the pursed mouthed motherfucker that played Draco Malfoy in the Harry Potter movies, as a dicksplash zoo keeper, who loves being cruel to chimps. This guy needs to have a rethink, he’s only in his early twenties and he’s already typecast. If he doesn’t watch out he’s going to grow up to have a face like the guy who plays Ian Beale in Eastenders. Somebody give him the lead in Tooth Fairy, Too! And fast.

The other thing I was thinking all the way through is, if you’re going to experiment on chimps, make it bonobos – those guys are chilled out beings, they just go round fucking each other all day. Not like your regular chimpanzee, the aggressive, floppy anussed bastards. What did you fucking think was going to happen?

Having thought about it some more though, hmm, a strain of super smart sex crazed bonobos with a libido like Michael Douglas on steroids, running amok through the streets of San Fransicso...

Doesn’t even bear thinking about.

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