I don't know about you, but when I think of Doctor Kellogg I think of some doddery old fool with teeth like a chipmunk, spouting on about breakfast cereals and clean living.
But that's not the real picture, oh no. Let me just say that it wasn't his idea to put honey and nuts onto cornflakes. He never tasted a honey in his life and his nuts were as much use to him as his appendix or, if I'm being imaginative, an arsehole made out of wasps.
That's right, he was a celibate.
"What the fuck is wrong with that, you cunt?" You say.
"Nothing, you cunts", I reply. "Each to their own. It certainly worked for Nikola Tesla. I very much doubt he would've invented alternating current, which runs the modern world, if he had spent every night squirting and secreting his way through the streets of Serbia. Only some people don't want to leave it there do they? They have to take their personal truth and thrust it on to everyone else. They start knocking on people's fuckin' doors - I know the truth, do you wanna hear it? Urm excuse me? Go back and knock on your own door mister, this is my universe."
Well Kellogg set up his retreat and all and started preaching his own gospel as if it was the only way to do things. Listen Kellogg, not everyone was born with a fuckin face like a panda's scrotum - we all know your abstinance was a pre-emptive strike, but these kids are cool - they have a chance of getting laid. Don't ask them to sew up their foreskins, so that they can't really get erections without considerable personal pain, or recommend strong acids be poured onto a girl's genitals to remove the sensitivity of the clitoris. Just stay in your ivory tower and keep your thoughts to yourself.
Your cornflakes are pretty good though, where can I get some?