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Friday, 28 October 2011

What have the gays ever done for us?

Now, I know it's not every man's idea of fun to feel a rock hard cock slowly enter their buttered up anus. That's fine. Of everywhere I can imagine as enjoyable places for a willy to be, my mouth isn't one of them. It's just not my thing.

But it is other people's thing, and I think that's fucking fantastic. The sight of two men, or women, cuddling and holding hands makes me want to burst open my trousers and play with myself. But not in a sexual way.

I know there are a lot of people out there that are still a bit uncomfortable with it, so I thought I would make a list of all the things humanity's legacy would be missing if all those that loved nothing more than ticking a tripod or munching a carpet never existed. It might help, somehow.

Phwoar, it's chilly out, put the heating on, would you love? Heating, what's that? Not a lot without fire, and there's plenty of evidence from homoerotic cave drawings to suggest that Cro Magnon man was also Pro Hardon man. Could it be that fire was invented by two young australopithecine males, whose vigorous frotting created so much heat and friction that their pubes caught fire? Probably not, but you never fucking know, and it would be unscientific to dismiss it out of hand. 

Now fast forward four and a half million years. With homosexualities just a flimsy fiction, the young proto human cock fighters never invented fire so you're sitting there with your family, in your cave, freezing cold, with your three jumpers on, and it's Christmas time. You want to cut out some paper snowflakes and put them up in the cave window. Forget it. Scissors were invented by Leonardo da Vinci, a famous gaysmith, and when he wasn't inventing, among other things, the helicopter and the tank, he was either painting some of the greatest masterpieces in the history of mankind, such as the Mona Lisa, or revolutionising thought on comparative anatomy, the properties of light, geology, music, cartography and mathematics. Or packing his wanger into another man's orifice.

And he wasn't the only gay artist. You can forget about ever seeing the Sistine chapel in the straightlands, too.And indeed anything by just about all the Renaissance artists.

Sure you can listen to some music if you want to, but it probably sounds fucking dull if it's sprung from a universe devoid of that of Mahler, Tchaikovsky, Stravinsky, Schumann, Britten, Bernstein and maybe Beethoven. And you can't listen to any David Bowie, Queen, Velvet Underground, or Sammy Davis, Jr, either.

Read a book? Not if it's by Graham Greene, Oscar Wilde, Marcel Proust and many more you won't. Hell, them themselves probably wouldn't have written a thing either if the evidence that Shakespeare indulged in the odd bit of bear baiting is validated.

Hmm, what's it all about then? Is there any meaning to this odd new life? Suppose you want to ask these questions sometimes, at parties, and such like. Not any more you don't. Western thinking was founded by the ancient Greeks, Socrates and his pupil Plato, chief among them. But did you know their motto was 'one for the bum, no harm done, just don't tell your mum'? In Ancient Greece homosexualities were encouraged - even by the military - if you were fighting alongside your lover you would fight longer and harder. In more ways than one.

Not that Ancient Greece was an aberration. Throughout history, right up to modern times, great intellectuals have been attracted to the bodies as well as the minds of their peers. Notable modern thinkers Gore Vidal and Christopher Hitchens have both adored the embrace of a man. Without gay sexual exploration we would all be living an unquestioning existence and hitting each other in the face. Like they do in the Midwest of America.

And in case this bleak vision has made you want to top or cut yourself, just remember not to expect any sympathy in your brave new heterosexual world. You'll probably just get told to man up. Our whole system of modern nursing was inspired by the teachings and practice of Florence Nightingale, the 'lady with the lamp'. When she kissed someone on the lips it was those of the vagina.

And where are all your alpha male role models going to come from? Alexander the Great, Richard the Lionheart, James Dean, Marlon Brando, Burt Lancaster and Joe Longthorne -all at least half gay.

Damn it, where's my thread?

I don't know, I know where the needle is, it's in my hand, but I'm sitting at the top of this mountain and there any nothin' for miles around.

But this was supposed to win me the Pulitzer Prize.

Pulitzer Prize? You'll be lucky if you get four page views, you flaky bellend.

Shit.

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