48 45 Gartholomites and ready to push on.
There appear to be many approaches to picking up followers on Twitter – here’s a few I’ve discovered.
1) Make up a hilarious or topical moniker. For example, call yourself the Queen_ Mum’s_Bum – then all your tweets can be “Quack” “Grimf” or “Swiddle”. People go ape shit for this. Even better, claim to be a famous person. There’s a David Cameroon on there –which is someone pretending to be a cross between David Cameron and a macaroon, and is very funny. Does anyone know what a macaroon is? Is it a cake or a biscuit? It looks like a biscuit, but tastes like a cake. Anyway, I don’t think Danny DeVito is on there yet – fuck it – claim it and be him!
2) Hit the trends. Whatever it is that’s trending, write it down on a notepad, put the kettle on or, if like me you don’t have one, put a small saucepan on to boil. Don’t forget to cover it with a lid to improve efficiency. Then just stand there trying to think up the best possible response you can. If that doesn’t work, and you have a back garden then maybe try having a walk round that. If you’re wearing suitable clothes then you could also try having a walk around the streets near where you live. I’ve only tried this once, people didn’t like it when they saw me marching up the street in my pants (fuck ‘em I can wear what I want) with a pen in my hand, laughing out loud as I looked them in the eye. I wasn’t laughing at you, arsehole, I was laughing through you. If you choose this approach then you need to think in one of two ways.
2.1)Funny – you need to hit the trends with something very, very funny that other users will see, laugh out loud at and, hopefully, retweet. Before you know it you have ten followers. It helps if you have one of those hilarious monikers for this, as there is a top tweet category. There’s someone called Lord Voldermort something or other, and every time he tweets something on a trend, no matter how shit, he always ends up as a top tweet. If it works for that cunt then it can work for you.
2.2)Needy. Tweet something on there that will make people follow you, just to keep tabs on you and make sure you’re ok. You will need to keep an eye on these followers on your timeline, though – if you see one them tweet something like – “finally getting my binoculars and machete today” then you know that they might not have your best interest at heart, and may be following you for some more nefarious reason. Some people just like to know others are in pain. Unfollow and block.
3) Just follow, follow and follow again! Find someone on there. Follow them. Then follow all their friends, then follow the friends of theirs friends. Lots of these people will be constantly monitoring their friends list and will notice the hike up from 13 to 14 followers – “who the fuck is that?” They will look at your profile and will see your brilliant moniker and incredibly witty italicised bio and think – yes, I want to be associated with that person and follow you in return! Some people are just so shit scared that they will follow you just so you don’t unfollow them! I would suggest this is a good tactic for those of you that wish to pursue a path in middle management, and like drinking bottles of lager at an angle of 43°
4) Target the big guns. This is my approach. As I discussed in my last twitter blog you only have a small window with celebs – you have to be there and ready with a line within 15 nanoseconds of their delivery. You have to remember- there are a lot of cunts, just like you, out there, vying for that same attention and accolade. Get in there first – make sure they read yours before anyone else’s. Here’s how I worked my way up to 48.
First hit – Jonathan Ross.
He was going on about doing some research for some project or another so, quick as a flash, I tweet.
His reply doesn’t really make any sense. I didn’t show any interest in what he was up to, so I think it may have actually been meant for another tweeter. Nevertheless it had my name on it, and fooled someone else, gaining me one follower.
Next up –Graham Linehan – the writer of Father Ted and The I.T. Crowd. This was going to be harder. Wossy tweets anyone – he’s a nice guy and easily bored, so you’d expect that. Linehan is a clever man, well into his politics, so I knew I was going to have to step it up a level.
He had just tweeted about new online censorship laws being passed in France so I tweeted this –
A ha! That was way beyond my wildest expectations, and it was only my fifteenth try at getting a response from him. It’s at that point that you begin to wonder if you’ve been blocked or not. Think positive and keep going. Next up an Irish twitter demigod – the incredibly quick witted Dara O’Briaiain.
He tweeted something about a documentary on electricity. I knew how fast he was, so I gambled – I didn’t watch the link and got straight in there – I had to be one of the first few. I knew Tesla was an almost mythical figure in electrical circles, so tweeted ‘God, Tesla gives me the horn’. This was the response.
It was only afterwards that I realised I’d made a joke. At the time I just panicked and tweeted the first thing that came into my head –that Tesla is one of the few men, dead or alive, that I find physically beguiling. Which is ironic considering he was celibate. Is that odd? No, not really, it only adds fuel to the fire. Anyway, his half of the tweet turned it into something very funny – he is laughing at me, but also with me. It sent my profile through the roof – up to 48. For about fifteen minutes I got an idea of what celebs must go through every time they are on twitter. They put something out there, and are immediately bombarded by thousands of people. My @ box was chocka with people tweeting me and my new mate Dara with witty comebacks. I had to go and have a wank to calm down.
If any of you are of a religious leaning get yourself on twitter and try your damnedest to get a celeb response. If you do, you’ll understand why an omniscient God is a practical impossibility.
So, that’s my advice, and my progress thus far. My next challenge, with which to launch myself into the magical one hundred followers club, is to get a retweet from one of the holy twinity – Charlie Brooker, Stephen Fry, Derren Brown and Rio Ferdinand.
Holy shit – I’ve just discovered something absolutely unbelievable. This’ll shake your socks off.
I need to do a bit more research, but if I’m right… shit…