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Saturday, 25 February 2012

Conspiracy Theorists - Preachers of the 21st Century


I've started to write a feature film about this alien who crashes on Earth, from his point of view, so I've had to do a lot of low level research, go to a lot of obscure websites, forums and the like, and it's all led me inexorably to one conclusion - that if there's one thing that really gets on my man tits it's conspiracy theorists.

I'm not talking about that cunt at the party who won't shut up about the Illuminati.
"Hey man."
"Hey".
"Weather's fucked up, eh."
"Yeah, it's HAAARP. They're initiating a drought by sending high energy pulses into the high reaches of the Earth's atmosphere".
"What?"
"Ha! Oh yeah! You didn't know that? Shit - you need to clue up! What do you think started the Japanese Tsunami for Christ sake?! And don't get me started about the eugenics programme that's going to be rolled out Dec 21st 2012."

Oh shut up, you genetic fart. Fair enough, you're a useless turd with no greater importance in the grand scheme of things than a pimple on a teenager's back, but so fucking what, we're all on a sinking ship - didn't you know? Have some self respect and facility for critical thought. Don't just swallow some rhetorical dick because it makes you feel like you're part of an elite club, privy to some information that most of us fuckheads don't even realise, because our brains have been melted by intrared lightwaves sent out from the internet by alien superlatives.Don't give in to this fearmongering. Keep hold of your small world and try to make it bigger and better.

Anyway, like I said, I'm not talking about him, I'm talking about the exploitative arseholes that roll out this crud to a captive audience. But hang on Garth, these guys are the preachers of the 21st century - disseminating the truth in a godless world.

Some gruff voiced American on his conspiracy radio show using typical Christian evangelical methodology. He operates through repetition and aggressive rhetoric -

"Listen to me, you don't want to ignore me, they are after you, and you don't want to be caught out, they are trying to kill us all, they are killing your mind and your ability to reason, you probably feel like you cannot make your own choices any more. It because you're still using flouridated toothpaste and the mercury from your immunisation jab is infiltrating your hypothalamus. So listen to me, I know the truth. I have a friend at the Pentagon who told me some horseshit which I am now going to ram down your stupid suggestible face. If I feel like I am flagging, or my veneer is crumbling I will simply start to shout louder and LOUDER! SEE HOW SINCERE I AM! FORGET ABOUT THE VAST SUMS OF CASH I'M GENERATING, JUST LISTEN TO THE CONSTANT VAGUERIES I'M PUMPING LIKE A FLATULENT TALKING ARSEHOLE!"

"And don't forget, my friends, these people are ignorant, and they are fearful. If you encounter someone, at a party, or on a forum, that counters your newly discovered truth by applying reason, perhaps falling back on research they have actually applied themselves to, maybe knowing what the fuck they are on about and stupid shit like that, don't worry, entrench yourself - they have been brainwashed, they are now too stupid and indoctrinated to hear your truth. Move on to someone more suggestible, maybe another runt cunt like yourself."

"Don't worry about the shit going on in your own life, that you feel worthless, disenfranchised and devoid of purpose, unable to affect the world and society collapsing around you - here's the bigger picture, designed by us to take your mind off it. You are now part of an elite group of persons that know the real truth - the real Illuminati! HA! Get it?!.This makes you superior to the ordinary man on the street. Doesn't that make you feel warm inside?"

Now listen to me you pernicious pricks. You and I both know that no one is controlling this bullshit world - there's just a lot of people exploiting it.

As Alan Moore wisely put it "there's no one in control - and that's far more terrifying."

Yes, there are old banking families in Europe and North American monsters like Goldman Sachs that are robbing us all blind, that deliberately create a chaotic financial market so they can make a shitload.

There are massive multi-national corporations that are destroying the planet around us in an unsustainable way.

There are global oil brands that hold us captive until the last drop runs out.

And there are governments that tolerate all this, like a woman who knows her new husband is abusing her children and does nothing.

But this doesn't make them reptilian aliens.

Do you not see how saying that kind of horseshit undermines anything of use you may have to say? And how it marginalises discussion on subjects that everybody should be talking about?

Of course they do. That fat faced, gruff voiced American fuck sits there like he's your best friend and making you privy to insider infomation. He's the world's worst cunts' best friend. Why? Because he has successfully turned the great many world injustices into a fucking laughing stock and made you gullible twats into ludicrous bellends that won't be taken seriously anywhere in the known universe.

So I've got a conspiracy theory for you - that all these cynically commercial twats dining out on your fears are all C.I.A. operatives deliberately set up to isolate you.

What do you think of that?

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