Whilst I was doing some research for my radio play I came across the news story that an Australian billionaire is making a Titanic 2 - not the movie, the ship - and I thought, 'quite fucking right, why the hell aren't the rest of them doing the same?'
For example, Roman Abramovich, the Russian oligarch is worth 9 billion pounds. What's he doing with it? Buying massive yachts and football clubs. What is this - you can either have money or an imagination, but you can't have both?
Fucking hell, if I was him I would have twenty big dicks surgically attached to my torso so I could fuck ten women at once. I would have my anus removed and replaced with a solid gold one. I would set up a laboratory to explore space travel and I would build a life sized Millennium Falcon in my garden, complete with gun turrets, so at least I could blow away any troublesome pigeons that dine out on the ostentatious discards I would litter my garden with from the night before. I wouldn't buy a football team, I would buy the league. I would decorate my team with useless old fucks and make sure they won every game.
Bill Gates is worth 50 billion. Why hasn't he bought Alaska? He could employ 500 million Indians to walk there and build a 50 mile high pyramid, made from obsidian and marble, complete with a 2 mile wide plasma TV, offering split screen viewing, so he could watch the baseball and keep an eye on his share prices at the same time. If I had 50 billion dollars I wouldn't rest until I was the first human being to physically fly. With that kind of cash I could get scientists to attach actual workable eagle wings to my back. Whilst they're working on that I'd get them to insert miniature hovercrafts into the soles of my feet so at least I could embarrass Dave Blaine in the meantime.
Hmm, maybe that's why they've got billions and I haven't.