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Sunday, 3 June 2012

Prometheus - A Fiery Review

WARNING: This review contains a shitload of spoilers, so if you haven't seen it and are not a goldfish you may want to read something else.

I was very excited about watching this, in fact I haven't been so excited about watching a movie since I went to see The Avengers the week before. I had an early look on imdb - 9.0 rating - shit, must be a masterpiece!

9.0? Do me a fucking favour. I'm guessing that must be due to the fucking cast and crew going on there and spunking lies.

For me the first rule of sci-fi is that it must be plausible. If it ain't then I'm switching off straight away. And this ain't.

We open up with a black eyed human looking figure on a desolate, presumably primordial, Earth, committing suicide. He does this by drinking a tincture that makes his body crumble into dust, his DNA unraveling before our very cameras. If you thought there was a chance he might survive this he dismisses your futile hopes by throwing himself off a massive and beautiful waterfall just to make sure the job is done.

Shoot forward three billion years to 2089 and a pair of scientific cunts are in a cave in Scotland looking at a primitive cave painting, featuring a human figure and five stars. This arrangement of stars has been found in paintings all through the ancient world, which leads the biological ballbags to conclude that this must be the location of an alien race that spawned humans and planted them on Earth. OK, there is an arrangement of five stars, that must be a fucking nightmare to locate, what with the billions of stars in the galaxy. No, actually, it's unique. There's only one known place where five stars look like that. Phew! Let's go there.

And they're right - the aliens did spawn us - in fact our DNA is identical to theirs! Wow, that's incredible - drop some alien DNA on an old Earth, never mind that the tincture unraveled it, allow for three billion years of selective mutation and there you have it, in amongst millions of living creatures springs a genetically identical creature - well except for the black eyes, and the fact that humans are much smaller than their goth alien counterparts.What a load of cock.

Then it slowly meanders about being scary, and visually stunning, but without explaining anything.

It tries to insert some old crap about Catholicism that has as much gravitas as a fart in a black hole. Then there's the revelation that the mad billionaire is actually the father of the psycho bitch from hell who is running the show. Wow, didn't see that coming. Actually, I did. Not that anyone gave a shit anyway because the characters were undeveloped and cliched.

In an interview Ridley Scott says it leaves a lot of unanswered questions, leading to the possibility of a sequel. No, you cynical cunt, you made a half finished movie that required a sequel to explain all the fucking holes in the first one.

Which is an incredibly unsatisfying thing to watch - do you get that Ridley?

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