I was at a seminar the other day, you know, one of those bloody eugenics adverts where the viscous detritus you would normally find at the top of a cup of tea made with water that hasn't been allowed to fully boil suddenly appears in human form as aspiring writers, wherein the 'expert' gave us all a stunning piece of advice.
"You are all writers, you need to see yourselves as writers".
This made me think, are we? At what point do we make that transition? When we decide we want that career path?
An immediate cerebral response emanated from the area of my brain reserved for self doubt and self retribution.
"No, you cunt, you become a writer when that is your career. When that's what brings in the bacon. It's bullshit like this that wrecks people. New age horseshit - stand in front of the mirror and repeat this affirmation until your subconscious mind accepts the fact you're *insert desire*. The fact is, unless you're really fucked you don't spend your whole day stood in front of a mirror. The rest is spent doing all the other crap, whilst your subconscious re-inforces whatever it is you're trying to undo in front of the mirror. It ain't going to work.
It's also alienating you from the task at hand, which is to work really bloody hard. Don't see yourself as a writer, see that as your goal, that you have to strive towards.
Incidentally, what is all this Andy/ Andrew business?
At school, trying to make friends, 'who the fuck are you?'.
'Don't be scared, I'm Andy'.
Hmm, after Andy Dufresne? You're OK mister.
Hang on, I'm 28, that's nearly bloody thirty, and I still haven't achieved anything of any worth, and it's all because people keep fucking calling me Andy. I'm sick of not being taken seriously. Fuck you all! I'm FUCKING ANDREW!!!!
Then that lasts for about ten years, maybe more, depending on the extent of their ambition. Ah, fuck it, I'm never going to make it, I want friends again, call me Andy.
Anyone over the age of forty who doesn't go by the name of Andy has a small penis, and that includes you, Prince Andrew.'
Maybe I shouldn't write down all that my brain says to me.